I am not Catholic but I have a confession to make none the less. Since I am seeking to live a life of integrity being honest is important to me. So here goes…I have been less than truthful about my weight on my ad in the last few months. I intend to make it right because I do not want people expecting to see the physically exact woman in the photos (which were taken in spring ’07) and be disappointed if they put more value in body size/appearance than the complete package an escort is expected to deliver. I now weigh 213 lbs. At the time my photos were taken I weighed 190 lbs. Men are sooo fixated on numbers (36-24-36, 115 lbs., looking like a “10” or being a certain age) that women are coerced into lying to get a man interested in her. Men might want to rethink what is in a number after reading today’s blog.
While living on the road all last summer I indulged in yummy dairy foods in Vermont and rich seafood in Massachusetts. I have gained 23 lbs. in 6 months. My quest for loosing weight over the last 2 years has hit a bump in the road. I will reveal a bit about my history so you can better understand my frustration.
My mother has always been petite and slender and my father was built like a football player, a very nice athletic build. I am a natural born athlete. I love how my body feels after a good workout (whether playing physical games or going to the gym). I discovered that I naturally gravitated to my father’s body type by the time I reached puberty. My own dissatisfaction with my bulging body was magnified by my mother’s overt & covert behavior towards me and I have discovered in recent years my father may not have been much different in his thinking/responses.
By age12 I was starting the diet circuit beginning with Weight Watchers. Two years later I adopted the “perfect” weight-loss/maintenance plan, Bulimia. It was “perfect” because I could have the instant gratification of eating what I wanted and then getting rid of it before the food converted to fat in my body. I believed I had control over food. In reality food had control over me.
In short, I flunked out of college after my first semester and entered an eating disorder program. My early 20’s were flanked with many disappointments in my personal, social and work arenas. At 25 I made a conscious decision to become my greatest fear….FAT…to keep men from being attracted to me. It worked! Little did I know that not only would men not be attracted to me but I would also endure discrimination in the work place (I was fired at a gym because I was unattractive looking…I am not kidding), in clothing stores (the sales clerks at Victoria’s Secret in a mall in Sarasota never once made eye contact with me the 15 minutes I wandered around their store one day), on the airplane (not just from the flight attendants but from the mortified looking passengers who pray you are not seated next to them), and by the love I felt that was withheld by my own parents. It is as if I built a prison around myself without knowing it.
After years of living an emotional rollercoaster I found a wonderful therapist who, with her sincere compassion and professional expertise helped me to unload my self-loathing and self-destructive thinking and help me see the truly loving, intelligent, and capable woman that I am. In the process I learned how my eating was a coping mechanism for dealing with my emotions. But returning to my athletic nature as I was as a child would prove to be much more challenging than pushing away a slice of chocolate cake.
By January 2005 I weighed 279 lbs. and was classified as morbidly obese. I was fortunate enough to have found an excellent, caring, professional gastric surgeon in Mexico who performed “lap-band” surgery on me.
In thirteen months I lost 90 lbs! During the initial weight-loss period I decided I needed to address my body image issues. Otherwise how would I know when I am thin enough to feel good about my body? The nude beach helped me with that. I learned that men there found me attractive (whether or not their intentions to flirt with me were honorable is not important) at 250 lbs.! My self-esteem began rising as I embraced all of me. I began taking more pride in my appearance as I began feeling like a sexy, desirable woman!!
Escorting just felt like a natural progression in my healing and growth process. I know very well that I am more than my body. The one thing that is very rare to find is a photograph of ones soul! If the image of the soul could be posted on my webpage, undoubtedly I would be most sought after escort and able to ask for outrageously high donations.
So, as I approach my 40th birthday in late March I am seeking to enlist help from someone who wishes to inspire me to return to my athletic nature. Doing it alone is tough and I am lacking the discipline I know I need to reinvigorate my love of exercise. I know it will happen and eventually my body will shrink to the size I was born to have. When that happens fellas……LOOK OUT ! ; )
Wishing you a blissful weekend!!!!
xoxoxxoox
Emma : )
Friday, January 25, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
The Struggle for Courage
In memory of the movement……
First they fought for their civil rights (1964)
Then they fought for their right to vote (1965)
Now they fight for a living wage…. (1968)
When will their demands end?
Integrity demands equality. It takes courage to build integrity. I know equality does not exist and therefore how can I engage in a celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr. without feeling more than a sense of remorse for the death of this one (of many) courageous man but rather remorse and anger for the end of a movement for equality. It’s as if when MLK died the movement died.
What is clear to me at this point is that those who worked along side MLK, Jr. did not have the same courageous spirit that he had. What a shame. I believe there was more courage in the average movement follower than there was in the inner circle of Dr. King. What got King killed was not his achievements as much as it was his ability to move people to demonstrate courage and claim their integrity through achievements of equality. The followers were becoming leaders with each hard-fought achievement towards equality. Courage is a dangerous trait, but one that is needed today more than EVER if we care to preserve our eroding civil rights, voting rights and to achieve living wages which are all essential elements in achieving both integrity and equality.
Today we, Americans, are celebrating one of our country’s most revered courageous citizens of the 20th century. I greatly admire what Dr. King did not just for the black population but for all Americans. Without a doubt my life would be far different if I did not have living examples of courageous people to help guide my choices in life. Courage is an admirable trait and one that I wish would spread like wildfire through our country today. Unfortunately, as people celebrate the brief but deliberate life of a courageous man (and murdered because of it) I mourn. Because we are far from achieving “The Dream” of each person living as equals, I know that on April 4, 1968 (less than 2 weeks from my birth) we not only lost a living example of courage but we lost the courage of millions to carry on the struggle for equality.
When the followers lead the leaders will follow……..
In the struggle,
Emma : )
First they fought for their civil rights (1964)
Then they fought for their right to vote (1965)
Now they fight for a living wage…. (1968)
When will their demands end?
Integrity demands equality. It takes courage to build integrity. I know equality does not exist and therefore how can I engage in a celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr. without feeling more than a sense of remorse for the death of this one (of many) courageous man but rather remorse and anger for the end of a movement for equality. It’s as if when MLK died the movement died.
What is clear to me at this point is that those who worked along side MLK, Jr. did not have the same courageous spirit that he had. What a shame. I believe there was more courage in the average movement follower than there was in the inner circle of Dr. King. What got King killed was not his achievements as much as it was his ability to move people to demonstrate courage and claim their integrity through achievements of equality. The followers were becoming leaders with each hard-fought achievement towards equality. Courage is a dangerous trait, but one that is needed today more than EVER if we care to preserve our eroding civil rights, voting rights and to achieve living wages which are all essential elements in achieving both integrity and equality.
Today we, Americans, are celebrating one of our country’s most revered courageous citizens of the 20th century. I greatly admire what Dr. King did not just for the black population but for all Americans. Without a doubt my life would be far different if I did not have living examples of courageous people to help guide my choices in life. Courage is an admirable trait and one that I wish would spread like wildfire through our country today. Unfortunately, as people celebrate the brief but deliberate life of a courageous man (and murdered because of it) I mourn. Because we are far from achieving “The Dream” of each person living as equals, I know that on April 4, 1968 (less than 2 weeks from my birth) we not only lost a living example of courage but we lost the courage of millions to carry on the struggle for equality.
When the followers lead the leaders will follow……..
In the struggle,
Emma : )
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Happy Belated New Year!!!
Happy Belated New Year!!!
Forgive me for being so tardy in sending a warm, thoughtful and positive wish for all who see this message and follow my web blog! I am most hopeful that this year, 2008, will be the best year of my life! That is a bold statement to make and one that I don’t make lightly. I am very aware that in great measure it is up to me (with my thoughts and actions) whether or not that my hope becomes a reality.
Why is 2008 such a special year for me? Well, I will be entering the next decade of my life which is the number one reason. The second reason is because I believe, in my country’s historical perspective, this year is pivotal in raising consciousness among the masses!
Turning 40 is a big deal for me. I’m not anxious about getting older from a vanity point of view but about discovering more of who I am as a person and setting some goals (which I do not like to do) and achieving them. For this endeavor I have decided to set up another blog to help make myself accountable to the Universe. I have found that I am very good at deceiving myself so it is imperative that I know others are keeping an eye on me. This blog is aptly titled “emmaturns40”. It will be on this other blog that I will write each day what my challenges are, the goals I will set for myself and the feelings I am experiencing.
2008 is an important year in historical terms (in my opinion) because globally our world is in great turmoil. Our natural world and our cultural world seem to be at great odds with each other. It is time to awaken our individual consciousness and come to terms with the reality that if life is to thrive in true peace and harmony that we, individually and collectively, must take personal responsibility for the care of ourselves and each other. We must not give our responsibility over to another or a body of people to do what we know we can and MUST do for ourselves. For this is the thinking of weak souls and those who wish to play the “victim” rather than the victor.
Forty years ago in America our country was facing a growing collective strength among groups of people who decided they were no longer going to accept establishment rules and power structures that kept the victim mentality alive. There was a great deal of organizing and educational activities taking place during the mid to late 1960’s which opened up consciousness in many ways resulting in great social gains in our country (and around the world) and it is time again to undertake such meaningful transformations….this time with a life-long commitment to personal and social positive change (unlike the burnout effect which took hold in the mid ‘70’s effectively allowing a reversal of policy changes since the Reagan administration). What affects each one of us affects us all because “No Man Is an Island” as John Donne wrote.
So, if you feel so inclined to see how I am undertaking my journey for greater consciousness you may do so by going to www.emmaturns40.blogspot.com.
I look forward to many more adventures this year as well. My next trip will be coming up in February. More later!
HAVE A BLISSFUL YEAR!!!!
Xoxxoxoxoxo
Emma : )
Forgive me for being so tardy in sending a warm, thoughtful and positive wish for all who see this message and follow my web blog! I am most hopeful that this year, 2008, will be the best year of my life! That is a bold statement to make and one that I don’t make lightly. I am very aware that in great measure it is up to me (with my thoughts and actions) whether or not that my hope becomes a reality.
Why is 2008 such a special year for me? Well, I will be entering the next decade of my life which is the number one reason. The second reason is because I believe, in my country’s historical perspective, this year is pivotal in raising consciousness among the masses!
Turning 40 is a big deal for me. I’m not anxious about getting older from a vanity point of view but about discovering more of who I am as a person and setting some goals (which I do not like to do) and achieving them. For this endeavor I have decided to set up another blog to help make myself accountable to the Universe. I have found that I am very good at deceiving myself so it is imperative that I know others are keeping an eye on me. This blog is aptly titled “emmaturns40”. It will be on this other blog that I will write each day what my challenges are, the goals I will set for myself and the feelings I am experiencing.
2008 is an important year in historical terms (in my opinion) because globally our world is in great turmoil. Our natural world and our cultural world seem to be at great odds with each other. It is time to awaken our individual consciousness and come to terms with the reality that if life is to thrive in true peace and harmony that we, individually and collectively, must take personal responsibility for the care of ourselves and each other. We must not give our responsibility over to another or a body of people to do what we know we can and MUST do for ourselves. For this is the thinking of weak souls and those who wish to play the “victim” rather than the victor.
Forty years ago in America our country was facing a growing collective strength among groups of people who decided they were no longer going to accept establishment rules and power structures that kept the victim mentality alive. There was a great deal of organizing and educational activities taking place during the mid to late 1960’s which opened up consciousness in many ways resulting in great social gains in our country (and around the world) and it is time again to undertake such meaningful transformations….this time with a life-long commitment to personal and social positive change (unlike the burnout effect which took hold in the mid ‘70’s effectively allowing a reversal of policy changes since the Reagan administration). What affects each one of us affects us all because “No Man Is an Island” as John Donne wrote.
So, if you feel so inclined to see how I am undertaking my journey for greater consciousness you may do so by going to www.emmaturns40.blogspot.com.
I look forward to many more adventures this year as well. My next trip will be coming up in February. More later!
HAVE A BLISSFUL YEAR!!!!
Xoxxoxoxoxo
Emma : )
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