True Confessions # 1

I am not Catholic but I have a confession to make none the less. Since I am seeking to live a life of integrity being honest is important to me. So here goes…I have been less than truthful about my weight on my ad in the last few months. I intend to make it right because I do not want people expecting to see the physically exact woman in the photos (which were taken in spring ’07) and be disappointed if they put more value in body size/appearance than the complete package an escort is expected to deliver. I now weigh 213 lbs. At the time my photos were taken I weighed 190 lbs. Men are sooo fixated on numbers (36-24-36, 115 lbs., looking like a “10” or being a certain age) that women are coerced into lying to get a man interested in her. Men might want to rethink what is in a number after reading today’s blog.

While living on the road all last summer I indulged in yummy dairy foods in Vermont and rich seafood in Massachusetts. I have gained 23 lbs. in 6 months. My quest for loosing weight over the last 2 years has hit a bump in the road. I will reveal a bit about my history so you can better understand my frustration.

My mother has always been petite and slender and my father was built like a football player, a very nice athletic build. I am a natural born athlete. I love how my body feels after a good workout (whether playing physical games or going to the gym). I discovered that I naturally gravitated to my father’s body type by the time I reached puberty. My own dissatisfaction with my bulging body was magnified by my mother’s overt & covert behavior towards me and I have discovered in recent years my father may not have been much different in his thinking/responses.

By age12 I was starting the diet circuit beginning with Weight Watchers. Two years later I adopted the “perfect” weight-loss/maintenance plan, Bulimia. It was “perfect” because I could have the instant gratification of eating what I wanted and then getting rid of it before the food converted to fat in my body. I believed I had control over food. In reality food had control over me.

In short, I flunked out of college after my first semester and entered an eating disorder program. My early 20’s were flanked with many disappointments in my personal, social and work arenas. At 25 I made a conscious decision to become my greatest fear….FAT…to keep men from being attracted to me. It worked! Little did I know that not only would men not be attracted to me but I would also endure discrimination in the work place (I was fired at a gym because I was unattractive looking…I am not kidding), in clothing stores (the sales clerks at Victoria’s Secret in a mall in Sarasota never once made eye contact with me the 15 minutes I wandered around their store one day), on the airplane (not just from the flight attendants but from the mortified looking passengers who pray you are not seated next to them), and by the love I felt that was withheld by my own parents. It is as if I built a prison around myself without knowing it.

After years of living an emotional rollercoaster I found a wonderful therapist who, with her sincere compassion and professional expertise helped me to unload my self-loathing and self-destructive thinking and help me see the truly loving, intelligent, and capable woman that I am. In the process I learned how my eating was a coping mechanism for dealing with my emotions. But returning to my athletic nature as I was as a child would prove to be much more challenging than pushing away a slice of chocolate cake.

By January 2005 I weighed 279 lbs. and was classified as morbidly obese. I was fortunate enough to have found an excellent, caring, professional gastric surgeon in Mexico who performed “lap-band” surgery on me.

In thirteen months I lost 90 lbs! During the initial weight-loss period I decided I needed to address my body image issues. Otherwise how would I know when I am thin enough to feel good about my body? The nude beach helped me with that. I learned that men there found me attractive (whether or not their intentions to flirt with me were honorable is not important) at 250 lbs.! My self-esteem began rising as I embraced all of me. I began taking more pride in my appearance as I began feeling like a sexy, desirable woman!!

Escorting just felt like a natural progression in my healing and growth process. I know very well that I am more than my body. The one thing that is very rare to find is a photograph of ones soul! If the image of the soul could be posted on my webpage, undoubtedly I would be most sought after escort and able to ask for outrageously high donations.

So, as I approach my 40th birthday in late March I am seeking to enlist help from someone who wishes to inspire me to return to my athletic nature. Doing it alone is tough and I am lacking the discipline I know I need to reinvigorate my love of exercise. I know it will happen and eventually my body will shrink to the size I was born to have. When that happens fellas……LOOK OUT ! ; )

Wishing you a blissful weekend!!!!

xoxoxxoox

Emma : )